Saturday, October 20, 2007
Theres nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Theres nothing in between
You know the truth
Nothing left to face
Theres nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place
When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you are well
Theres nothing left to prove
There's nothing I wonat do
Theres nothing like the pain
I feel for you
Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to feel
I am always here
When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you are well
What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over
What you got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real
It's not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough, I'm sorry
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough...
When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you are well
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough
---this is the lyrics of Jeff Hardy's(WWE) .....
Friday, September 21, 2007
"As the world advanced from the dark ages into the modern era,there were innumerable number of changes within the human society.One of the major areas for development is in the number of methods available to kill someone.From using stone and wood clubs and spears, man has progressed to guns,toxic poisons and even nuclear weapons of mass destruction.The sheer number of methods are enough to make one's head go round and round and round. But all this information did not serve my purpose as majority of these methods availalbe are having an inherant problem.They could easily be traced back or the culprit can be apprehended and punished. I needed something, some method by which i can kill someone in a way i desire and then get away with it.After giving this a lot of thought, i am finally formulating a plan to do what i want.
For every crime or murder,the important link that ties the murderer to the victim is the motive.This varies from person to person.One may kill for personal glory,other for monetary gains etc.On starting an investigation, the details of everyone even remotly connected to the victim is compiled by the authorities and each one is tracked down.But the best part about the plan i formulated is that the victim is going to be someone whom i don't even know, someone i have never seen before i kill him/her. Finding one such person is not so easy as it sounds.There are many around but there are risks involved in randomly picking someone and then killing them.One has to study the victim before killing and it is this studying that is the weakest link in this chain of events.Someone somewhere might have seen you following the person or someone might see both you and the victim at the same place although not together.This is pretty harmless unless the observer happens to be one belonging to the nosy fame seeking category who is so eager to see his name in papers so would try to recall each and everything they could gather about the victim's last few days and there is a chance,however remote it is, for you to be identified.But planning a murder up until all the last details is rewarding but then again if all goes according to plan then the thrill of the kill is gone.It will become something similar to the planning and completion of tasks in software industry.So although there were risks involved, i decided to pick up a random victim and kill him/her the same day as and when the oppurtunity comes.If by chance there are no openings to carry out the murder then i can always go back and return the next day for another victim.This requires patience but then again this is pretty much thrilling than sitting and planning the entire murder although careful planning is required before and after the actual murder as the main objective is to kill and then get away in such a way that the authorities can in no way trace it all back to me.Keeping all these in mind i was in the lobby of Hotel Monolith waiting for my possible victim for the day.I decided to start at the hotels as its easy to gain access to the victim's room and also plenty of privacy to carry out the deed.And so on that fine Wednesday morning the hunt began.
Like in all professions, there is something known as a beginner's luck in this one also.But the fact is having that sort of a luck for what i am doing now is something close to divine.And i am not divine.I kept on shifting hotels and timings such that i was never in the same hotel twice with the same bell boys and the reception managers.All the time i was the silent stranger in the corner busy filling the crossword.I was getting a little impatient not because i couldn't find anyone but there were too many potential victims.Selecting one out of that many qualified candidates is something very difficult and it is natural that you feel sorry for the ones that missed out on the chance.So when i selected her from Monolith, i surely felt pangs of guilt for the others i had selected from Monolith.Although i could easily go back and select one from each of the hotels, once i have selected her,then i cannot select another from Monolith.It has been more than a week now since i began my work and finally i have found one and the day has come for me to test the limits of my planning and abilities.Besided having her room number, i had no other information about her.No name, no idea whether she is alone in the room or with her spouse or friends or children.At that moment nothing mattered to me except my goal.Whoever she is,whoever she was,she is going to die the same day i selected her as my victim.Now that i have selected my victim, the most difficult part was over.All now remains is the actual execution of the act and how to do it.
There were many factors to be considered before i actually carried out the act.The method of killing depends directly on the victim.Before i go into the details some more information about the victim.She was a moderately tall slightly overweight woman.Age could be anywhere between 50-60 years with a very prominent limp possibly arthritis.She wore nice but expensive clothes and was devoid of any sort of make up or jewellery.I still do not know why i selected her to be my victim.Maybe it was because of the fact that she was painfully limping that i decided to put her out of her misery.Or maybe it is because of the fact that she had an aura or anonymity...one among a million old people around.With this mindset i began to analyse the current situation.The first thing to plan was the mode of killing.Although i was more inclined towards choking her,the sadist in me won out in the end on the suggestion of gutting her.It would be messy and this was one method were the chances of me getting caught were very high.Then again the risk would be thrilling.As one of the few who rose out of the city's many gutters into the city life, i was constantly missing the action in the ever changing and dangerous world i grew up in.The only knowledge i have of my past is a photo of me wearing a horrible pink bunny suit and sitting on what appears to be in mini version of a red BMW in a well maintained garden.Maybe i was rich but then thrown away or maybe i was abducted when i was a kid and thrown into the gutters.Whatever the reason maybe, i never bothered to ponder over this as life was too exciting to waste on thinking too much and so that was the end of it.Coming back to the task at hand, i preferred the official issue swiss army knife as it was easy to pierce and slash with it,one of the best hand to hand weapons around.Next came the fact about how to access her room and when to do it.The time i fixed as just after the dinner so that at that time the whole hotel would be so busy that one stranger can very easily slip into the living rooms of the vast facility.And a casual glance at the door lock convinced me that there was no need for anything more.It was a standard "Hotel lock" which is meant to be easily broken.I myself have broken many a lock like this during the time i was one of the street.But this was different.Back then money for food was the important issue but now the prize was higher.It was food for my soul.The time and the mode being fixed, now started the most difficult of all the procedures,the waiting game.Only the most patient can become the best hunter.It all depends on his instincts.Now that all preliminaries are over,the waiting began.
This wait was nothing like i ever imagined.It was hard on my already strung up nerves but then this is my first hunt so the tension was understandable.Hours passed and finally the moment of truth has come.Dinner was over and the mad rush of the guests going to their rooms began.I stood up from my position from behind the stairs and blended into the moving crowd.The hidng place was very well suited for my purpose.There was no light falling there and also it was so cramped up that no one would ever imagine anyone to creep under it and hide.But then again, the haven't counted on anyone as determined and as desperate as myself.The journey to her room began.I felt the urge to push my way through the sea of human bodies and rush to her room but although the tension was unbearable,i managed to keep it under check.A simple mistake from my side can destroy all that i have worked for a long time.Slowly but steadily i reached her room.It was clear that she was not in as i couldn't see even a glimmer of light even from under the door.I proceeded to pick the lock assuming the manner of an irritated guest who had a drink one too many and now cannot open his door.It worked and no one ever gave me a second glance.The only thing i was afraid of was that she would come up behind me while i was opening the door to her room.But as i had calculated, she was much slower than the rest because of her limp.I was inside her room and locked the door back all well within the 20 minutes she took to reach her room.Thankfully there was no one inside and a quick glance at the room told me that she was living alone in the room.The only risk is that she might bring someone with her but at her age that would be a miracle.I was right.She was alone when she came inside.One thing i have not yet planned was how to approach her.Should i hide and jump her from behind,cut her throat to keep her from screaming or should i go straight,gag her and then kill her slowly at my leisure.I was still indecisive about this when she came in.I hid behind the curtains.Although they were long the curtains were not that thick.It was not obvious at first sight but on a moderatly careful observation i would be caught red-handed.She came into the room and throwing off her slippers she went directly to bed.It seemed like she had too much to drink but then i realised that she was not.She was very much sober but it was her leg giving her trouble.In a moment the decision was made.I decided to confront her ,gag her and then start with the killing procedure.I stepped out from behind the curtains and with a reasonably thick cloth in my hand should the need arise to cut off her screams.She was lying on the bed on her belly and was reading or looking at something.I was very soft and slow but somehow she realised i was behind her.With a small cry of exclamation she jumped of the bed and saw me.She started running towards the door but i was faster.Fate had decided that she would die fast.To avoid further complications i pushed the cloth into her mouth and gutted her from navel to her chest.It was messier than i had imagined.Her innards seemed to jump out at me with revenge but i managed to avoid the worst of it.She fell down and began writhing in pain.It was a glorius sight,one that would fill the heart of the hunter with immense pleasure.Time passed.Although she had almost all her stomach and intestines on the carpeted floor, she somehow was still alive and all the while clawing her was towards her bed possibly to get some weapon?I got bored with it after sometime and decided to end her suffering.It took only a slit from ear to ear to make her finally die.I looked at the carnage in front of me and was a little bit disappointed.The thrill was there but i was hoping she was some fighter but she went down easily...too easily for my liking.Then came one of my crazy ideas.I should start a collection.I should have something to remember all the kills that i am going to make.I had already decided that the next one is going to be that eccentric guy who wears a pink suit always at Hotel Shoreview.I looked around the room for something as a memento.Nothing.The whole room was clean, all hotel stuff.My eyes then fell upon her bag and her book on the bed.I took them both and looked through,hoping to find somthing worthwhile......... "
The Times (own correspondent) 24th May 2007 : Above is the manuscript got from the body of the young man found dead in Hotel Monolith last night.He was sitting on the bed with a knife thrust deep into his throat.No details are available about this young man.It is clear from this is that he is some how related to the slaughter of Mrs.Morrison in the same room.She was brutally murdered last night and details about the murder are still sketchy.Police say that the pictures of the room and body are too graphic for public viewing.Mrs.Morrison was a well known lady at her hometown of Minnesoville where she was one of the pioneers of the "LOST" foundation which specialises in funding efforts to find children gone missing.She herself was a victim of such a mishap which motivated her to start this.She had lost her only son only when he was only 14 months old.Reports say that she was going through some old paper clippings about her lost son when she was brutally attacked and killed.They were organised into one compilation.According to the police, the only thing in the room not bloodied was that that album of paper clippings although it was on her bed.The page showed the picture of her missing son wearing a a horrible pink bunny suit and sitting on what appears to be in mini version of a red BMW in a well maintained garden.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
It all began sometime soon after she left but then again it was always there. While she was around, it was no more than just a shadow lurking in the corner of his mind but when she finally decided to leave and let him be, the wait was over for it. Finally after all the wait and pain, it was out and that was not all. With it came something more dangerous, darker than anything I had imagined in my life.
Initially it was the emptiness that choked me. Many a time I even picked up my phone to call her. Call her and beg for her mercy. But even then I knew it was not going to happen. What I have become over the years was not something that gives into these weaker human urges and desires. So to avoid further webs of temptation, I did the only thing I could do at that time. I deleted her number from my cell…a silly move but necessary to preserve my sanity. But e-mail remained one of the biggest hurdles that needed to be crossed for me to completely get rid of her from my mind. Even a stray mail from the very few friends I got might contain her name and that was enough to drive me crazy. All this time I never thought I would miss her so much but then again like always I was wrong and she was right. One would know the hurt of missing someone only if you really miss someone you care about. I remember her telling me that I would never understand and I never did. I still cannot say I really missed her but one thing was sure. Without even talking to her, my life has become something like an empty hall. I realized who she was for me, more than just a friend or a partner. She was something more, something precious. She was that ingredient that was holding this pathetic existence of mine together. But now it was all over. Knowingly I had pushed out the one person whom I ever gave a damn about, pushed out so far that I doubt whether she would ever hear me again should I decide to go after her.
Jealousy is a very strange being. You would not be jealous at even your worse enemy but then again you would be goddamn jealous of someone real close to you. This is one question that I asked myself all the time. Is jealousy what drove her from me? Impartial though I was, I was not able to answer that. That could be a reason but then again there could be other more severe reasons. But one thing became very clear. Without her by my side, I was suffering but she seemed to enjoy every moment of it. She was colder than I thought she would be. While I was sitting in the corner thinking to myself and trying my best not to lose my sanity, she was running around shopping and watching movies and hanging out with her ‘gang’ of friends. I don’t know whether she was trying to freak me out but then again I respect her because she was doing a damn good job at that. Days went by, days turning into weeks and months and finally years. A couple of years have passed so far but still life remains the same except for the fact that we were 2 years older. But something also changed inside of me. I was no longer the smiley blimey guy around but a ghost of my former self. A rotten creature stuck up in the human shell. Then it was time for all of us to part our ways…to go out and see the wide world around. At this moment, at this last moment, I made the decision. The decision I am still debating on.
There she was walking like a princess among her ‘friends’ if I could call them that. I never really understood why she was hanging out with those bunch of freaks but then again she always liked to be with the freaks so that she could be noticed. No wonder she was with me even for a short period of time. I knew what I had to do. This was the answer to all my problems. The time has come for me to go back to my peaceful existence, to the pre-meet her period, when I was normal, when I was human. I picked the time carefully so that she would be alone then. Also I knew she wouldn’t pass an opportunity to hear me apologizing to her. I knew she would be there and was early to come as usual. But I was prepared for this emergency. I had woken up very early that day, freshened up and was all set and ready by the time I met her at the football field. Apologies were exchanged at first but then the plan started acting out. I asked her one simple question: “What do you think of me now?” Before she replied I read the answer in her eyes, her face. To her, I was nothing more than just another of the crowd of her friends. This time I was ready. She had damaged my soul once and she was not going to do it all over again. I never gave her a chance to speak. I thrust the knives right into her eyes, those gray beautiful eyes that caught me in it in their first glance. The spell was broken the moment I felt her eyes exploding and showering blood all over my hands. But this was too easy a fate for her. There were more to come. I cut out her nose and ears and thrust her into her mouth to stop her shouting. It was just so awesome. Eyeless, nose less and earless there she stood gagging on her own organs spilling blood all over her light sky blue skirt. Once I got her on her knees it was easy. I cut her open like a fat pig. I cut out all that I could from that carcass and fed it to the dogs around who were watching all this like some blockbuster movie. I felt her shivering with each cut I was making but I was not going to stop. The fun, it was too much for me to think about her. I was having too much of fun cutting her up, so much that I literally chopped her into small slices, slices that reminded me of bacon. I had her heart in my hand. It was the moment I was waiting for all my life. Her heart with me…it was still warm and trying to beat all the while squirting blood on my already bloodied arms. To get her totally out of my head, there was only one way. To get her into my stomach and let my body reject her, throw her out of my system for the one last time. The sun had risen and with it my appetite rose. I took a bite out of her heart. It was soft, mushy, sweet and tasty. The first bite was the hardest. Once I tasted what it was like, there was no stopping. With hungry gulps I ate it completely and once the meal was over, I felt peace…peace like heaven for the first time in my life for a long time.
The days that followed were nothing but figments of memory. After the meal I ran off leaving all and everything behind. I traveled lands I have never seen or heard before. I met people who liked me and hated me. All the time I was on the lookout for someone to come and take me back to the ground and finish me off as I did to her but no one came. I made discreet enquiries about her fate but no one seemed to know what happened to her. It was like a person like that never existed but I knew she did. I could still feel the taste of her heart in my mouth; it was always there like some sweet dream that one wants to see all night long every night. Maybe the dogs might have finished her off or maybe someone must have found her and is keeping this quiet so that they can find out about my whereabouts. For whatever reason that was, I was never going to go back. I got all that what I wanted. I got her out of my head but at the same time I can always have her with me, in me for all eternity. I am a normal satisfied man right now. The world is a beautiful place again and the beauty beckons me from the distance. Ah life is so beautiful!!!!
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Birds have started their singing now,
That might be the morning I think
Time to wake up and start the day
One more day added to my waning years.
Walking out of my humble abode,
Greeted by a breeze on my face
Laden with the sweet odor of flowers
Jasmine, rose and many others more.
I start my work, the usual one
And now winds starts to play around
Dancing around my unkempt hair
Teasing me with their fragrant gusts.
Oh how beautiful spring time is
Soothing the world with its gay colors
Finally the cruel winter had left
But leaving it’s lasting mark around.
I hear people laugh and sing
Getting along with their daily things
I feel their gaze upon my face
I smile in return, yes I do smile.
Its all so peaceful now, Only
Joy and the sweetness all around.
Not a trace of the winter snow
To numb the senses with its embrace.
I pray the flowers may never droop
I wish the birds to go on singing
I hope the world will remain the same
To be in the spring till the end of time.
All around me people move
Lucky ones, some black sheep too
Like me they stray through the paths
Unconnected with everything around.
I hear the birds , I smell the flowers
I smile without joy, cry without pain
All the flowers,birds and people around
Fails to free me from my icy throne.
Smelling flowers, hearing the songs
I see them all in my mind’s eye
For I am blind, ah cruel fate
I cannot enjoy the light anymore.
In my life the winter goes on
Darkness and ice encasing my mind
Always has its icy clutches on me
Oh cruel fate, the cold wind blows.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
At this pace the life as we know it is coming to a premature end.The ways a man suffers.His dignity,self-respect,the very foundation of his being is questioned and shattered in this ongoing flow of life.There are many things that can happen to one in the course of one's life but this is the worst that could happen.The loss of the sense of being !!!
This is the worst possible way in which a man can selfdestruct.There are individuals all around us and like someone said in the golden old days-each one is unique.It is that which makes man a social animal.Each one around us have something which you donot have.So as a whole he strives to be complete in all respects,the journey towards perfection........a never ending journey.It is the purpose of a human life.To search for what he lacks,a search for himself.But imagine what would happen if that for which he searches for is destroyed in such a way that it can never be put together.The meaning of life is lost........the sense of living,the instinct to survive,the feelings of being human, all are destroyed.He becomes nothing more than a programmable robot,one who could be programmed by anyone according to their wishes.A being without any feeling or emotions to such extend that even "being" is such a human name for it.This is the fate that is staring everyone in the face now.The losses one incur are many but this one loss is enough to plunge his whole life into a dark pit........a pit from which escaping is nothing more than a dream.
There are examples of those who have outlasted this fate assigned to them but in all those cases there was always a helping hand given to them from the people around.Some of them themselves in the pit but having enough compassion left to help others who are suffering gain a better life.But there are ones who have not themselves gone all the way.It was not their destiny to end up in this regions.But there were forces which would have nothing of it,it was nothing more than full fledged cruelty against those poor souls by their masters in the domains.......forces beyond the control of the poor souls.The life of a developer is nothing more than a puppet in the hands of superior beings calling themselves the managers and leaders.To be thrown out or to be pushed so far underground that he had to be dead for atleast a hundred years for even the stench to penetrate into the surface above.These are nothing more than hobbies for them.But the time has now come for them to come down from their grand thrones.......to step down from their self appointed positions of glory and power.It is a new age,a new begining.The winds of change will blow over these lands,destroying everything in its path.The age-old traditions are going to die.A new race will rise.
For everything new there must be someone to start it.A totally insignificant act that would trigger the collapse of all that is old,traditional and evil.The time has come and the moment is now.He is ready to do what he thinks is right,to shoulder the burden of starting it all off.Noone knows whether he will be there till the end of all this,noone even knows when all this ends.But one thing is sure,if it begins,it will end up soon........such are the magnitude of the forces that have assembled ready for destruction.The time draws close,the moment has happened,the chain of events that would cause him to act has already been started.It only remains for him to act.........to set light the fire that will burn and consume everything even including himself.His actions will rewrite history,a heavy responsiblity for one so young and inexperienced.As the events unfold with alarming rapidity there is one question that everyone asks "IS HE READY?"
I say to them all.........."YES,He is ready,I am READY"
Finally it all boils down to the same thing-it depends upon how you look at it.If one thinks he is praying to God then he is praying to God and the same goes for the case of Devil.But then comes a bigger question-if man is making decisions as to who or what to worship,then wouldn't it be nice to be someone whom all will worship?This thought has fuelled the minds of many a man and was the cause of the most bloody and disastrous events of the past....coming in second to the most favoured cause for all this- Women.
Now a little point to discuss.According to many legends,man was to live in Eden but woman forced him to eat the prohibited fruit which made God to throw them out of Eden and into the place called Earth where man began his life.Also there are references that man was to have all the virtues as like in the God but Pandora(again a woman) opened a box full of evil and negative thoughts and troubles...and not to forget one of the most famous wars in history that destroyed the advanced and developed Troy and caused many a legendary hero to fall in its wake including Hector,Priam,Achilles,Ajax etc.,all because of Helen(obviously a woman).This war also had many outward ripples like disturbances and troubles for countless other legends like Odeisseius,Ajax,Arkantos etc.This and many more makes one wonder,man is created by God but is the woman created by his alter-ego or his doppleganger the Devil while poor man was sleeping??This is a matter of thought.Now i am not saying that all women are evil and all men are good.It just depends on who made who at the time they were made.If God made a man/woman,then he/she will be good but if Devil makes one,he/she turns out to be evil.Simple and straight-forward but so so true.
Coming back to the original question--is God and Devil the same person?This is one question that urgently needs some answers because there simply cannot be more pondering over this matter if noone knows what is supposed to happen.
The bed was not always of thorns only.There were beautiful flowers..........soft to touch and fragrant which protected me from the underlying horrors filling the world with their beauty.Then also there were occasional pricks of pain but then it was wiped away without a trace........solace to be found in the depths of the warm embrace of the pleasent wind around....All good things must come to an end and this underlying truth finally touched me with its cold fingers.The spring of the life is gone...........it is nothing more than a mere memory lost beneath the torrent of emotions that swept away the last traces of humanity that i had.Holding on to the few pillars of support around i cried.......not words but cries arising from depths within me which i never knew existed.All these went unanswered and it was a long time before i realised that there was noone coming for me.The last ray of hope i had was someone waiting for me on the other side of this abyss but gradually that too was fading fast.Inside me a change was happening.The sense of being was replaced by a emptiness impossible to define, the person i was changed,changed to something even i fear in its darkest hours.I am scared even to delve into this new ME as even a glimpse into its depths had got me worried beyond imagination.The time of light has passed and a new dawn has come.............the time of the beast is on hand.This "Thing" is nothing more than i myself, but a part of me is worried..........unleashing this upon the world around...........such a terrible and terrifying thought.
But what all consequences it may have,what all trouble it may create, in a way i am not responsible for it's actions.Yes, the creature resides within me and it is using my body as the vessel for its plans,my plans.The actual culprits are those who in the first place pushed me to the darkest corner such that this whole episode of my life came to light.May God forgive those damned souls for what they have done to me.But one thing is sure,i am not going to forgive them............He inside is not going to forgive them..the time is here and the time is now..........revenge is a dish best served cold but i like it hot..........hot as in their warm blood washing over me when i rip their throats out and consume their living forces.Yes, this is the answer to my life, my salvation.A bloodbath!!!!This is what the scriptures told me, this is what i will do..............the final dance of death has begun.........the waiting is finally over...........the time has come for me to bathe in their blood......to be a part of the burning river Styx.........on a never ending journey towards HELL...............my own Hell.....
Thursday, February 15, 2007
It was a pretty ordinary day for me when i logged into the meshed and twisted passages of this internet thing hoping to update these scribblings of mine but alas the Fate was so so cruel.I was painfully aware of a message popping up that my poor id and my poor poor writings were deleted...i mean pushed into oblivion.........poof............GONE. From that day forth i was scared to start this journey again.......but something inside me kept on pushing me to the edge.....to go over the edge and get back to this crazy world.After countless hours spend battling with these high flying emotions and fears i finally decided that it is now time that i come back into reality....back to the world where i am @ home.
And so here it begins again.Old stories forgotten,old dramas faded into memories,a new chapter is here.So from this day forth,the journey begins............to unravel what lies beneath this human yet inhuman specimen that is me,to understand the mind,the thoughts and finally last but not the least.............to answer the all important question i put to myself every moment of my 22 year old life........... "TO DIE OR NOT TO DIE,THAT IS A DAMN GOOD QUESTION"
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Like a ship that ran aground
Broken up and shattered by howling winds
Destruction is beyond human minds.
They saw that love is blind, deaf, dumb
I say its nothing more but a garbage dump
Rotting and stinking to its very core
Scheming to draw people all the more
Cute little Cupid with his lovely arrows
Is nothing but a vile thing, evil till his marrows
Disrupting lives is a hobby he carries on
Lives that end with no future to look upon.
Victim I am to his cruelty
A normal being, driven to insanity
Plucked out of the life that was mine
Forced to live a live amongst the swine
To Her I was only an instrument
One to be discarded after merriment
To be cast aside, thrown into the junkyard
Joining countless lives existing within each yard.
Broken hearts anything but new
Feels like a fire inside, burning to your sinews
Fuelled forward by an unnamed hatred
Keeping out the madness, not that it mattered.
Frozen inside, a block of hard old ice
With nothing but hatred in my eyes
Times have changed, but I have moved on
Dead and rotten but cold, to get my hands upon
My Love, to burn it up like dry timber
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
We were sitting cross-legged in front of a big man. He was big in all sorts of ways, huge face covered by a bushy salt n pepper beard with no or little hair on his shiny head. His whole limbs were long and large but were hanging loosely from an enormous frame slumped in defeat. Strangely for a man this large, his voice was soft n pleasant. In the beginning his voice was very low but as he got into the main part of his story his voice became louder, his hands moving in expressions and overall there in front of us he was transformed from a nervous wreck of a man to a passionate speaker. He looked at each of us in the eye and with small smile he started his amazing life story.
"In the beginning it was unbearable. Even just to breathe was so difficult that I literally had to push the air down into my lungs to stay alive. Yes , after all this, I didn't want to die, but I wanted to live for I know that even in death, what I desire is what I will never get.
Now it doesn't give anyone any inkling of an understanding if I were to say this story all backwards. So now in an ordered manner, this is what happened. But a word of caution, people who are non-romantics please don’t read it because this is something which i know you will not understand.
It all happened long back in time, around 21 years ago. I was just another guy in the street. I had a great job, had good friends and had a lot of time and money in my hand and it was and still is the best times that i ever had. Okay so if go on in this manner, I can assure you that you are going to get bored very soon because such long were the adventures we did in those long unforgettable days. Coming back, it was a period of fun, joy, friendship and lot of adventures. We were young and had all the time in the world with us and with not even a single care in the world. And then she came.
I didn't know where she was from, one day she just showed up in a burger joint we frequented. She was lonely so after a couple of hours, being chivalrous gentlemen that we were, we went and befriended her and that is how it all began. First of all, there was nothing special about her and you can always lose sight of her in a crowd. She was neither tall or short, nor fat or slim but a plain normal looking girl. But when you stand close to her and just look into her eyes, then you can see something very different. Unlike the usual listless or overly made up eyes in other gals, there was something more there. Her eyes had an unnatural shine and she had a way of closing her eyes half way through while talking and this really took my breath away. In her eyes I don’t know what I saw but it filled me with a new sense of happiness and joy which I have not yet experienced. I felt myself being drawn more and more into those deep dark eyes, the effect which I can compare now to that of a Black hole. To make the long story short, I fell for her and fallen hard. I don’t know how she felt about me, still I don’t know. But when I look back now, I think she enjoyed my company. What began as a friendly conversation and a casual acquaintance grew into something more. Gradually I began yearning for her company more and more. We spent countless hours talking and talking about anything and everything under the sun over countless beers and fries. But every time there was something between us, an invisible wall that I was afraid to breach and she didn’t try to bring down. Each and every day I was sort of lost in a world of my own until I saw her. Outwardly I was my old normal self but inside I was a wreck till I caught sight of her, sitting waiting for me at our own special seat in the joint where I first met her. All the time I was thinking, was I in love with her? But each time I stress that I am not, I knew that I was betraying myself but there was nothing I could do-nothing I could say that could define how I felt about her. She was special to me, precious to me in my own way; God knows what way it was. So this went on for a pretty long time, but then something began worrying me. That wall between us seemed to grow more and more solid. In all our time together, whatever I asked her, she didn’t tell me anything about herself. Repeatedly I asked, first casually, then forcefully but there were still no replies. The only thing she used to tell me is just one thing-will tell you later when its time. So now this perfectly innocent piece of conversation had me worried sick. A thousand questions sprang up to my mind. Was she married? Already got a boyfriend? Was she an orphan? All these thoughts combined together and drove me mad. One fine day or rather one fine evening, it erupted. I was having so much of these emotions welled up inside that I was so adamant that I asked her all these questions and much more to her face, eye to eye. But this time, she answered me with a smile, a smile that still haunts me, a slow sad smile that can set your pulse racing. Without a word she got out and started walking, I followed her. She kept on glancing behind to see whether I was there I acknowledged her looks with a nod of my head and then she would be walking again and I followed. This went on for quite sometime and finally she reached in front of my house and sat on a bench on the lawn outside. I went and sat beside her. We sat like that for around an hour, two people just sitting together. I could bear no more of this, so I turned, took her hands and pleaded with her, please tell me something. Gently she removed her hands from my grasp and stood up, her face glowing with that sad smile again. Then she took my hand and placed it on her heart. I was shocked.....my hand went right through her. It was as if she was not there. I tried grabbing her hands again but there she was just standing smiling like that and my hands going right through her. She mouthed a goodbye then and with that enigmatic smile still on her lips, she blew me a kiss and then she was no more there. I was stunned, shocked. I just didn't know what to do or what to say. I was destroyed; I do not know what had happened. I suddenly felt like laughing and crying all together and to shout and jump and climb to the moon. The days after that were just a blur. I was in and out of dreams so often that the line between reality and the fiction became blurred.
Two months passed before I could come back to my world. To all around it was the old me again, laughing and having the time of my life but inside i was bleeding every moment I live. The pain of loss was sapping all my strength and will. I lived like this for all this time and i haven't told anyone about it for all this time. Finally, I can feel the ache reducing in intensity, sharing one's sorrows with someone else is always a good way to reduce ones own sadness. I do not say you must believe it, but now as you all can see the person that I have become in all this time, I think you know in your heart that what I say is true. I think I can see the orderly waiting to see whether I have finished and to see you out. So come back again anytime so that I can tell you more about my past experiences. "
He finished and was escorted out by two burly men in blue overalls; standard nurse uniform. Before we left, we went to see the doctor as to ask him about the patient we visited that day.
When we asked him about what was wrong with him and mentioned his experiences, the doc gave a quiet laugh and told us,” He told it to you also rite? Actually he is in this institution for the past 20 years. He is convicted for killing his wife and her parents in a fit of rage and is been in denial ever since. As due to his unstable mental condition, he was placed here and is been here till then. All the stories that he tell is nothing more than a fragment of his fantasies...a form of self denial to bury the guilt he has within himself."
Who to believe, who not to believe? With this question weighing heavily on our minds, we got out of the hospital once more...not going back but to come back again later to complete this journal about the wandering minds trapped inside those 4 concrete walls.