The Descent

Day 0:

Bad hangover from yesterday. Got to go to work today. Woke up late. One hour, I must be out of house by then.

Brushed, skipped on bath and breakfast. Got ready. Lighted the cigarette. Ah..finally some peace.

Bad day at work. Need to unwind and fast. Gets out of office at lunch. Skipped lunch. Lighted the cigarette. Damn, I needed that.

Took half day leave. Went home. Hot day to walk. Drank a bottle of coke, lighted a cigarette. Hmm, cigarettes with coke is tasting good.

Party time tonight. Drinking rum and coke. Lighted a cigarette. Drank rum, lighted cigarette, drank rum, lighted another cigarette, drank rum, lighted another cigarette and another....and another and another....and....passed out

Day 1:

Damn woke up late today. Called in sick at work. Painful headache. Lighted a cigarette. Its already afternoon. Called restaurant for home delivery. Ordered another pack of cigarettes. Ate a late lunch. Lighted another cigarette. Drank left over rum from yesterday. Feeling sleepy. Lighted another cigarette. Went to sleep

Day 2:

Too tired to get up. Bad case of cough and cold. Lighted a cigarette. Smoke feels good on my throat. Ordered same food as yesterday, Ordered another pack of cigarettes. Call came from manager at work. Cut the call and kept phone on silent mode. Ate food. Too tired to stay up any more. Lighted another cigarette. Feeling very tired. Went back to sleep

Day 3:

Woke up, its late afternoon already. Was up coughing all night. Could not sleep well. Feeling tired again. Got up. Lighted a cigarette. Throat feels raw. Smoke seems to clear it. Lighted another cigarette , and another, and another. Feeling a bit better. Running low on cash. Walked to the nearby ATM. Bought cough syrup. Went to restaurant, had only soup. Bought a pack of cigarettes. Reached home. It was a tiring day. Lighted a cigarette. Throat feels a bit better already. Drank the cough syrup. Fell asleep on chair.

Day 4:

Woke up and still on the chair. Neck hurts a lot , cannot turn my head. Lights a cigarette. Drank left over coke. Lights another cigarette. Drank cough syrup. Checked phone and saw there were many missed calls, mostly from work. Turned mobile off. Out of cigarettes again. Went out and bought a carton of cigarettes. Lights a cigarette. Not hungry, but in a mood to drink. Went out and bought rum and coke. Hot day. Lights another cigarette. Drinking early today. Music must be played. Slayer singing “Dead Skin Mask” in the background. Lights a cigarette , drink rum, lights another cigarette, drinks rum, lights another .....drinks....lights.....passed out.

Day 5:

Too sick to get up. Finally got on my feet, feels like throwing up. Threw up in the kitchen sink. Lights a cigarette. Bad taste in mouth, feeling sick again. Cough syrup almost over. Drank cough syrup with rum. Still throat burns. Applies Vicks vaporub on the cigarette and smoked. Feeling better now. Smoke clears my throat. Too tired to go out. Watched TV, not hungry at all. Lights another cigarette. Tried to order food, but no cash. Decides to fast. Lights a cigarette. Head spinning. Had a paracetamol. Not working. Drank the last of cough syrup with last of rum. Fell asleep on chair again.

Day 6:

Opened eyes. Too tired to get up. Lights a cigarette. Fell asleep with cigarette in hand

Day 7:

Woke up. Dry throat. Cannot open eyes properly. Lights a cigarette. Tries to throw up, nothing happens . Stomach cramps and head aches are troubling. Lights a cigarette, not helping, lights another one. Feeling hungry , tried ordering food. Restaurant is closed, too tired to try calling another place. Lights a cigarette. Ate left over Lays from 2 days back. Lights a cigarette. Tired again, goes to bed to try to sleep. Hungry to sleep well, lights another cigarette, and another ....and another....pass out.

Day 8:

 Woke up. House is dark. No idea what time it is. Turned light on. Lights a cigarette. Someone is knocking on the door. Not feel like answering. Checked phone, turned it on. Not turning on, its out of battery charge. Too tired to get the charger, too tired. Lights another cigarette. Goes back to bed to sleep again.

Day 9:

Woke up. Someone is carrying me Feels like a kidnapping. Tried to shout but no sound comes out. Falls out of bed, bad dream. Too nervous to go back to sleep. Lights a cigarette. Hands are shaking. Lights another cigarette. Thinking about food, but not very hungry. Lights another cigarette. Searched house for something to drink. Little bit of rum left. Had it with water. Lights another cigarette. Feels like throwing up again. Ignored. Lights another cigarette, not feeling well, lights another one. Back to bed, fell asleep.

Day 10:

Opened eyes. Vision is kind of blurry. Bright and dark at the same time. Room stinks. Body stinks. Clothes stinks. Breath stinks. Tried to get up to wash and change. Too much of effort. Sat down on the floor. Too tired to get up again. Lights a cigarette. Smoke clearing up vision. Bad breath is a memory. Smoke smells good. Lights up another cigarette, and another, and another....passes out on floor.

Day 11:

Woke up. Still on the floor. Throat itches. Searching for cigarettes, last pack opened. Lights a cigarette. Need to buy more while going out for food. Lights another one, could not finish it. Drank water, fell asleep again

Day 12:

Woke up. Lights a cigarette. Checks for coke, nothing left in the bottle. Lights a cigarette. Not feeling ok. Packet of cigarettes is over. Tried to find another one, cannot find a single cigarette. Found half smoked one from yesterday, lights it. Smoke feels good. I need more, more cigarettes, need to find more. Passes out

Day xxx:

Woke up. Feels like been asleep for quite a long time. Dark all around. May be power failure. Too tired to move or talk. Tried finding the cigarettes, not around anymore. Tried lifting myself up. Banged head on something. Wood. Pushes it with both hands, not moving.  Tries harder. Searches around for my lighter. Hand hits my body, sick sound. Panic sets in. Pushes harder. Small glimmer or light. Puts hand near light. It passes through completely. White bone staring at me. Smacks on head to clear thoughts. Sick sound of bone against bone. Bones on skull, sounds so so...sick.

“SILENT SCREAM OF PAIN”

Am I dead or Am I alive?? Buddy, you have a cigarette for me?

Hunt

                                  It was a still night inside the compound. For an abandoned location, it had some well trimmed lawns. There were no sounds at all, in itself it was creepy.  No insect sounds, no cries of the night birds. It was like a void in this normal world. Fear gripped our hearts but it was too late to turn back now. The slow progress till the main entrance was uneventful. The door was old, but it opened up without a sound. It was strange that such a place has not been locked up. The dark interiors conveyed the image of being very spacious but at the same time, strangely empty. Flashlights came out and we started our exploring. The place was clean, a little too clean with no signs of abandonment anywhere. There were no furniture, no pictures on the wall. The only item left which showed that the place was once inhabited was a worn out rug in the main hall. We decided to stop running around aimlessly and camp out there on the rug.

                                Night came without an incident. The fluttering fear that we had began ebbing down. Slowly we made a circle and broke open our picnic basket. Although conversation was slow to start, it soon picked up pace. From trying to calm each other and convince them that there was nothing to fear, we came to the situation where each one of us was trying our best to scare their mates with the most horrifying stories they know. Being the newest member of the group, I was being targeted by the others. We were down to survival tactics in case of a ghost attack & I was given the role of the bait. Being the little fat guy that I am, I was perfect. Hungry ghosts can have a feast on my flesh & blood and still have some leftovers for the next day. Good case since it would allow others to escape safely while they are feeding on me. I did not care to disagree; they had a point after all. Time dragged on, stories became mumblings, and one by one we started falling asleep.

                                The first one to go missing that night was Terry. Not used to sleeping on the floor, he had decided to stretch his legs a bit before trying to sleep again. The moment he left our circle, it felt as if a huge shadow had descended on us. All the lamps and flashlights went out. This sudden development threw us into frenzy, we panicked.  Before we could react, an inhuman scream echoed across the house. And the lamps came on as suddenly as they had vanished. I could feel the cold sweat pouring down my back, the dryness in my throat. With shaking hands, partly with fear and partly with excitement, I drank my drink. But even after this, I was unable to find my voice to call out to others. The lights went out again and this time chaos erupted. There were cries from all around me. I was unable to react, unable to cry. In the middle there were hands grabbing my feet, my arms only to be violently ripped away. The screams continued and with it there was something new, a bitter-sweet coppery smell permeated the air. I knew what it was, the smell of blood. I did not want to be a part of this, it was all a bad dream. I need to get out and fast, all I could do was to drink and drink again and hope I would pass out before I felt any pain. Dizziness came over me but I drank and drank till nothing was left. The hands have begun to brush against my body again. Unable to move, I collapsed on the floor, waiting for the fate to deliver what she had planned for me

                                It had been a long time since he had taken his original form.  The shadow of the smile on his face suggested that he was genuinely pleased. He walked without a sound, more floating than actually walking. There was a strange grace to his movements. The sun was just rising and Old man Wilbur has just opened his coffee shop when the man came in. He went to the seat nearest to the counter and sat down. Wilbur wanted to tell him the shop was not yet open but somehow he did not feel like denying this young man. He had such amazing eyes, childish yet weight of ages danced around in them. Shuffling to the table, he passed the menu to the young one.

                                The night was very long but finally the sun was up. I left my fat frame behind and walked back to the town. Wilbur was just opening his cafe and I went in. For a moment I thought he would throw me out but he didn’t. I needed to be as far away from the door as possible so I went to the seat nearest to the counter. Wilbur gave me the menu but I wasn’t hungry. Coffee was the only thing I needed, busy nights always left me with a little bit of a headache. Wilbur shuffled away to get my coffee. Staring at the town’s populace moving through the glass doors I knew it was time. The kids were pretty popular in this place and their absence would be noted. A detailed investigation would be inconvenient at this point in time. Another change of location was required. It needs to be far away from my usual hunting grounds. I looked at the crumpled brochure in my jacket pocket. A little sunny but sun do not bother me anymore. The place was far, sunny and quiet, just like home. I need to get there before the thirst rose again. In the morning rays the dirty golden letters on the brochure glinted -“Goa Institute of Management”. Yes, this would be a good place for me. The hunt has begun.

Hunger

The first cut was the sweetest sight to behold.The smooth white skin, a line of red forms in the middle and then like a glorious fountain the blood gushes out.Blood is messy, tough to clean. But without this much blood , the art of cutting flesh has no beauty in it. There is no challenge.Cutting up someone without fear of them dying of blood loss. Avoiding major blood vessels and cutting deep and sharp.It was messy at first but through practice she had perfected this art.
Today it was the delicacy - the fingers.Long, beautiful and delicate, them are one of the tastiest morsels you can find.Taste comes at a price though, they are tough to cut up cleanly.There must be the right amount of meat and the right amount of bone, just like chicken.It was not the fingers alone which captured her attention.The fingers first and then along with them,the meaty hand.Till wrist would serve as the best appetizer she had cooked in a while. Although she preferred some parts raw, experience had taught her that cooking the fingers and hands imparts a specific flavor and taste to them that is unparalleled.With her hands quivering with anticipation, she watched as the blood drained from her first cut.And she felt really good, for the first time in months.
Blood finally stopped.Now it was time for the cutting to start. Glistening butcher knives were arranged neatly by her side. She selected the sharpest one among them, the cuts have to be clean and precise. When it started, the hand always gave her trouble, it was tough to get a clean cut. But then once in an inspired moment she discovered the secret. The hand is just like a carrot...you cut from one end fast and not stopping and then carry on till the end.In 2 minutes, it was ready. It was surprising to see that it took her this long to figure this out but today she was going to be at her best. This time there would be no mistakes.The knife came down on the fingers with a "swoosh". And a precise delicate piece of finger just jumped off seperated on the table. Blood spurted out, washing her face and hair. The sweet coppery taste of blood excited her. The primal instincts arose..like a maniac she started chopping. Each stroke precise and measure, and with no hesitation. She had to stop herself at the wrist, it was feeling so good to just continue chopping. But she knew that she must stop, the wrist and rest of the arms are for later in the day, not now. All around were pieces of flesh that once formed a hand.
Licking off the blood from her lips she started cleaning the pieces. Her own skill amazed her, the pieces were neat crisp and clean.She preferred cooking them with the nails on, they can be removed later. Dumping the bloodied knife in the bowl she arranged the pieces on the now cleaned cutting board. It was difficult to see the pattern but it somehow resembled carrots rather than human fingers.Various receipes flashed through her mind about what to make them into today. She tried getting the pieces into the over. Keeping the door open with one hand, she reached for the bowl but instead she knocked it over.A curse escaped from her lips.In that moment, she became just another normal woman cursing her clumsiness,but then it happened. That moment of normalcy is all it took to make her jump back in horror at that single thought...
" How am I supposed to cook with only one hand now ? "

Lost

Nightmare keep disrupting my sleep

They make me wake up and weep

Its been years , but still it stings

And I am now a puppet who lost his strings

Losing count of days and knights

Wishing I had a party of golden knights

To bring my angel back to my side

To die again in her eyes, bright and wide.

not decided on a title yet :(

Alone I stand among the dead,

Single survivor of the army I once led,

What went wrong, when it came

The end of my time, its end game .

Finally my journey ends here

Without her to hold me near

Years wasted for a fruitless search

Still she is out of my reach.

Fires still rage on the black peak

Fueled by the blood of both bold and meek

On top of it all she lives alone,

Inside the tower made of black stone.

I hear their cries, the clash of steel

Her minions closing in for their next meal

I feel the cold biting breeze

Causing all my senses to freeze

There she was, my lovely Ice Queen

Still like an angel, how long has it been

Her once lovely eyes are no more

Only crystals, frozen to the core.

A smile plays on her lips

Fills me with a familiar feeling of bliss

Her voice tears into my heart, sharper than a lance

Against that, I never stood a chance.

Words flowed into my near deaf ears

“Oh dear Ralph, it has been years

Have you come to carry me away?

Or is my life still in your way? “

Gathering my last breath I yell

With a voice that could be heard till hell

“It’s time for you to sleep dear,

And I will end my life here “.

Her cold voice shatters the silence

And her words confirmed that I lost my chance

“Why do you do this to me ?

Why can’t you just let me be ?

Times have changes, so did I

It’s time my dear, to say goodbye.

There was a time when I waited for a day

When you would come to take me away

Not any more love, your time is past

Here in these lands you will breathe your last. “

As I close my tired eyes,

All I see is her face wreathed in ice

Farther down into darkness I fall

Bouncing around like a lifeless doll

My heart burning with her last few words

“Oh but I still love you among all the lords”

A single teardrop falls on my scarred chest

At last I smile, perhaps it was all for the best.

Random Thoughts

for a sight, a touch and a smile

my journey still lasts many a mile

was it worth leaving my sanity ?

to cater to whims of my vanity

days grow cold, nights are colder

me n death walk shoulder to shoulder

guilt and desire pushes me forward

while my heart hides like a coward

dreadful darkness seeps from the void

condemning us to a fate we can't avoid.

She comes to me in my dreams

But still she seems so far away

For as long as the soul music goes on

This dance of ours will be going on.

maybe.........just maybe

I'd stay the hand of god, but the war is on your lips
How can I brace myself for razor blades on whips
When everything with meaning is shattered, broken, screaming
And I'm lost inside this darkness and I fear I won't survive

I could pray and trick with a double tongue, but the only fool here's me
I choose the way to go, but the road won't set me free
Cos I wish you'd see me, baby, save me, I'm going crazy
Tryin' to keep us real, keep us alive

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
We shouldn't wait for nothing to wait for
Love me in this fable, babe, my heart is in your hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day

I do not deal the cards and I play a lousy hand
I celebrate no victories and my promises are sand
Against all this I contrast you, when all is lost the war is through
Hey angel, dare the winds now we can fly

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Why should I wait for nothing to wait for
Let me love you in this fable, hold your heart in my hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Why should I wait for nothing to wait for
I won't cry for my solitude, lay my head and dream of you
And hope that you'll come knocking on my door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day
I know tomorrow is a better day

Courtesy
poets of the fall - Maybe tomorrow is a better day


well i sure hope so

Question

And another year passes by...... (1985-2008) was my plan.
But this last year, there were many instances,people i came to know who made this life worth living.So the date extended beyond the planned year.

A new year 2009 has begun. Jan 1st 2009, the first day for a new beginning, to put things in order, to get a hold of my life, to bring it back on track. Putting the bitter past behind me i started upon this wonderful day full of hope, full of confidence and determination.

Now within a span of mere one hour, i now return to where i was a few months ago, still a hallucinating screaming maniac who have no idea what to make of his futile existence.

I know hardly 2 people are going to read all this bullshit i am writing called "My Blog" but i do not care. This message is for whomever reading this.
If you do not know me, then please close this window and stop reading then and there.

Ok here goes. Any one of you are welcome to give me one F****** good reason to stay alive and get through this year are welcome to comment on this and give me the reason for i think i just ran out of reasons to extend the existence of this being made of flesh (and a HUGE amount of FAT).
This is not a plea for help. It is just that i am curious if anyone know any reason for me being here, thats all. Always good to listen to what others say as you may learn something new which you had no idea about till then.
Once again people, just let me know.
I will be waiting, though for how long is another thing to be decided.Guess that part i can decide on my own. LOL

Signing off......sayonara

PS: if its spiritual advice you are giving, then at least prepare for a debate with me on that issue.I just love arguing.