Hunt

                                  It was a still night inside the compound. For an abandoned location, it had some well trimmed lawns. There were no sounds at all, in itself it was creepy.  No insect sounds, no cries of the night birds. It was like a void in this normal world. Fear gripped our hearts but it was too late to turn back now. The slow progress till the main entrance was uneventful. The door was old, but it opened up without a sound. It was strange that such a place has not been locked up. The dark interiors conveyed the image of being very spacious but at the same time, strangely empty. Flashlights came out and we started our exploring. The place was clean, a little too clean with no signs of abandonment anywhere. There were no furniture, no pictures on the wall. The only item left which showed that the place was once inhabited was a worn out rug in the main hall. We decided to stop running around aimlessly and camp out there on the rug.

                                Night came without an incident. The fluttering fear that we had began ebbing down. Slowly we made a circle and broke open our picnic basket. Although conversation was slow to start, it soon picked up pace. From trying to calm each other and convince them that there was nothing to fear, we came to the situation where each one of us was trying our best to scare their mates with the most horrifying stories they know. Being the newest member of the group, I was being targeted by the others. We were down to survival tactics in case of a ghost attack & I was given the role of the bait. Being the little fat guy that I am, I was perfect. Hungry ghosts can have a feast on my flesh & blood and still have some leftovers for the next day. Good case since it would allow others to escape safely while they are feeding on me. I did not care to disagree; they had a point after all. Time dragged on, stories became mumblings, and one by one we started falling asleep.

                                The first one to go missing that night was Terry. Not used to sleeping on the floor, he had decided to stretch his legs a bit before trying to sleep again. The moment he left our circle, it felt as if a huge shadow had descended on us. All the lamps and flashlights went out. This sudden development threw us into frenzy, we panicked.  Before we could react, an inhuman scream echoed across the house. And the lamps came on as suddenly as they had vanished. I could feel the cold sweat pouring down my back, the dryness in my throat. With shaking hands, partly with fear and partly with excitement, I drank my drink. But even after this, I was unable to find my voice to call out to others. The lights went out again and this time chaos erupted. There were cries from all around me. I was unable to react, unable to cry. In the middle there were hands grabbing my feet, my arms only to be violently ripped away. The screams continued and with it there was something new, a bitter-sweet coppery smell permeated the air. I knew what it was, the smell of blood. I did not want to be a part of this, it was all a bad dream. I need to get out and fast, all I could do was to drink and drink again and hope I would pass out before I felt any pain. Dizziness came over me but I drank and drank till nothing was left. The hands have begun to brush against my body again. Unable to move, I collapsed on the floor, waiting for the fate to deliver what she had planned for me

                                It had been a long time since he had taken his original form.  The shadow of the smile on his face suggested that he was genuinely pleased. He walked without a sound, more floating than actually walking. There was a strange grace to his movements. The sun was just rising and Old man Wilbur has just opened his coffee shop when the man came in. He went to the seat nearest to the counter and sat down. Wilbur wanted to tell him the shop was not yet open but somehow he did not feel like denying this young man. He had such amazing eyes, childish yet weight of ages danced around in them. Shuffling to the table, he passed the menu to the young one.

                                The night was very long but finally the sun was up. I left my fat frame behind and walked back to the town. Wilbur was just opening his cafe and I went in. For a moment I thought he would throw me out but he didn’t. I needed to be as far away from the door as possible so I went to the seat nearest to the counter. Wilbur gave me the menu but I wasn’t hungry. Coffee was the only thing I needed, busy nights always left me with a little bit of a headache. Wilbur shuffled away to get my coffee. Staring at the town’s populace moving through the glass doors I knew it was time. The kids were pretty popular in this place and their absence would be noted. A detailed investigation would be inconvenient at this point in time. Another change of location was required. It needs to be far away from my usual hunting grounds. I looked at the crumpled brochure in my jacket pocket. A little sunny but sun do not bother me anymore. The place was far, sunny and quiet, just like home. I need to get there before the thirst rose again. In the morning rays the dirty golden letters on the brochure glinted -“Goa Institute of Management”. Yes, this would be a good place for me. The hunt has begun.

Hunger

The first cut was the sweetest sight to behold.The smooth white skin, a line of red forms in the middle and then like a glorious fountain the blood gushes out.Blood is messy, tough to clean. But without this much blood , the art of cutting flesh has no beauty in it. There is no challenge.Cutting up someone without fear of them dying of blood loss. Avoiding major blood vessels and cutting deep and sharp.It was messy at first but through practice she had perfected this art.
Today it was the delicacy - the fingers.Long, beautiful and delicate, them are one of the tastiest morsels you can find.Taste comes at a price though, they are tough to cut up cleanly.There must be the right amount of meat and the right amount of bone, just like chicken.It was not the fingers alone which captured her attention.The fingers first and then along with them,the meaty hand.Till wrist would serve as the best appetizer she had cooked in a while. Although she preferred some parts raw, experience had taught her that cooking the fingers and hands imparts a specific flavor and taste to them that is unparalleled.With her hands quivering with anticipation, she watched as the blood drained from her first cut.And she felt really good, for the first time in months.
Blood finally stopped.Now it was time for the cutting to start. Glistening butcher knives were arranged neatly by her side. She selected the sharpest one among them, the cuts have to be clean and precise. When it started, the hand always gave her trouble, it was tough to get a clean cut. But then once in an inspired moment she discovered the secret. The hand is just like a carrot...you cut from one end fast and not stopping and then carry on till the end.In 2 minutes, it was ready. It was surprising to see that it took her this long to figure this out but today she was going to be at her best. This time there would be no mistakes.The knife came down on the fingers with a "swoosh". And a precise delicate piece of finger just jumped off seperated on the table. Blood spurted out, washing her face and hair. The sweet coppery taste of blood excited her. The primal instincts arose..like a maniac she started chopping. Each stroke precise and measure, and with no hesitation. She had to stop herself at the wrist, it was feeling so good to just continue chopping. But she knew that she must stop, the wrist and rest of the arms are for later in the day, not now. All around were pieces of flesh that once formed a hand.
Licking off the blood from her lips she started cleaning the pieces. Her own skill amazed her, the pieces were neat crisp and clean.She preferred cooking them with the nails on, they can be removed later. Dumping the bloodied knife in the bowl she arranged the pieces on the now cleaned cutting board. It was difficult to see the pattern but it somehow resembled carrots rather than human fingers.Various receipes flashed through her mind about what to make them into today. She tried getting the pieces into the over. Keeping the door open with one hand, she reached for the bowl but instead she knocked it over.A curse escaped from her lips.In that moment, she became just another normal woman cursing her clumsiness,but then it happened. That moment of normalcy is all it took to make her jump back in horror at that single thought...
" How am I supposed to cook with only one hand now ? "

Lost

Nightmare keep disrupting my sleep

They make me wake up and weep

Its been years , but still it stings

And I am now a puppet who lost his strings

Losing count of days and knights

Wishing I had a party of golden knights

To bring my angel back to my side

To die again in her eyes, bright and wide.

not decided on a title yet :(

Alone I stand among the dead,

Single survivor of the army I once led,

What went wrong, when it came

The end of my time, its end game .

Finally my journey ends here

Without her to hold me near

Years wasted for a fruitless search

Still she is out of my reach.

Fires still rage on the black peak

Fueled by the blood of both bold and meek

On top of it all she lives alone,

Inside the tower made of black stone.

I hear their cries, the clash of steel

Her minions closing in for their next meal

I feel the cold biting breeze

Causing all my senses to freeze

There she was, my lovely Ice Queen

Still like an angel, how long has it been

Her once lovely eyes are no more

Only crystals, frozen to the core.

A smile plays on her lips

Fills me with a familiar feeling of bliss

Her voice tears into my heart, sharper than a lance

Against that, I never stood a chance.

Words flowed into my near deaf ears

“Oh dear Ralph, it has been years

Have you come to carry me away?

Or is my life still in your way? “

Gathering my last breath I yell

With a voice that could be heard till hell

“It’s time for you to sleep dear,

And I will end my life here “.

Her cold voice shatters the silence

And her words confirmed that I lost my chance

“Why do you do this to me ?

Why can’t you just let me be ?

Times have changes, so did I

It’s time my dear, to say goodbye.

There was a time when I waited for a day

When you would come to take me away

Not any more love, your time is past

Here in these lands you will breathe your last. “

As I close my tired eyes,

All I see is her face wreathed in ice

Farther down into darkness I fall

Bouncing around like a lifeless doll

My heart burning with her last few words

“Oh but I still love you among all the lords”

A single teardrop falls on my scarred chest

At last I smile, perhaps it was all for the best.

Random Thoughts

for a sight, a touch and a smile

my journey still lasts many a mile

was it worth leaving my sanity ?

to cater to whims of my vanity

days grow cold, nights are colder

me n death walk shoulder to shoulder

guilt and desire pushes me forward

while my heart hides like a coward

dreadful darkness seeps from the void

condemning us to a fate we can't avoid.

She comes to me in my dreams

But still she seems so far away

For as long as the soul music goes on

This dance of ours will be going on.

maybe.........just maybe

I'd stay the hand of god, but the war is on your lips
How can I brace myself for razor blades on whips
When everything with meaning is shattered, broken, screaming
And I'm lost inside this darkness and I fear I won't survive

I could pray and trick with a double tongue, but the only fool here's me
I choose the way to go, but the road won't set me free
Cos I wish you'd see me, baby, save me, I'm going crazy
Tryin' to keep us real, keep us alive

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
We shouldn't wait for nothing to wait for
Love me in this fable, babe, my heart is in your hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day

I do not deal the cards and I play a lousy hand
I celebrate no victories and my promises are sand
Against all this I contrast you, when all is lost the war is through
Hey angel, dare the winds now we can fly

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Why should I wait for nothing to wait for
Let me love you in this fable, hold your heart in my hand
Our time is waiting right outside your door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day

This day will die tonight and there ain't no exception
Why should I wait for nothing to wait for
I won't cry for my solitude, lay my head and dream of you
And hope that you'll come knocking on my door
And maybe tomorrow is a better day
I know tomorrow is a better day

Courtesy
poets of the fall - Maybe tomorrow is a better day


well i sure hope so

Question

And another year passes by...... (1985-2008) was my plan.
But this last year, there were many instances,people i came to know who made this life worth living.So the date extended beyond the planned year.

A new year 2009 has begun. Jan 1st 2009, the first day for a new beginning, to put things in order, to get a hold of my life, to bring it back on track. Putting the bitter past behind me i started upon this wonderful day full of hope, full of confidence and determination.

Now within a span of mere one hour, i now return to where i was a few months ago, still a hallucinating screaming maniac who have no idea what to make of his futile existence.

I know hardly 2 people are going to read all this bullshit i am writing called "My Blog" but i do not care. This message is for whomever reading this.
If you do not know me, then please close this window and stop reading then and there.

Ok here goes. Any one of you are welcome to give me one F****** good reason to stay alive and get through this year are welcome to comment on this and give me the reason for i think i just ran out of reasons to extend the existence of this being made of flesh (and a HUGE amount of FAT).
This is not a plea for help. It is just that i am curious if anyone know any reason for me being here, thats all. Always good to listen to what others say as you may learn something new which you had no idea about till then.
Once again people, just let me know.
I will be waiting, though for how long is another thing to be decided.Guess that part i can decide on my own. LOL

Signing off......sayonara

PS: if its spiritual advice you are giving, then at least prepare for a debate with me on that issue.I just love arguing.

The Christmas Gift

The stage was set for the final act of the evening.I missed the entire show so it was important to me to witness atleast the final section.Any other show i would not even have bothered to get out of my place being this late but this one was special.It was the Survivor.Of the world corporation studios.The last act is always special and is not at all related to the previous acts.For this part of the show.a very active participation is required from its employees,obviously without their consent.For this special segment,the tickets alone are worth a small fortune.Not that i had that much money but it has been my desire to be a witness to this atleast once and lucky for me that i came into some quick cash which i used to purchase the last available ticket for the christmas show.Yes, tonight is december 24th,the night before christmas and for that same reason,the rush was enormous as something special was planned tonight,something that was going to capture the attention of the entire media.I joined the flowing crowd moving towards the theatre.Along with many others, i was handed the standard leaf about the show.

THE SURVIVOR

This is a show which you have never seen before and never will see again.

The rules are simple,stay alive and survive.

IF you die,then bad luck

IF you survive, then you will be the richest person alive.

IF you want to participate,you are welcome to try.

We are not responsible for your well being in this show.

You think you can do it?

Come Watch, then answer.

There is always a survivor.

ps: noone has survived ever in the show's history

Ok,not so encouraging flier but still the show garners such a huge reaction from the public.There has been only 2 voluntary competitors and both of them didnot even last the first 10 minutes.Hopefully this time it would be different.

I hurried to my seat at the back of the theatre.It was always better to get the last seat.You can watch the show and can close your eyes if you feel it is too much for you.And obviously its the cheaper seat :D .Anyway i made way to my seat and found that whatever i heard was true.There on my seat was written the label " Reserved for John Wayne Robinson ".It was as well organised as i have heard.I hurried into my seat and got ready for it to begin.There was just 2 min left and the entire theatre was packed.The music began, the drum rolls sending chills down my spine.Tonight was going to be very special,you can fell it in the air inside.I felt the guy sitting to my left tense.I noticed that like him i was also clenching my fists,tensed but eager.Poof and it was darkness.The announcement began.

"Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,tonight we promised to be special and it is.Today there is not going to be a survivor.Today we have someone who is according to us is one among the scum of the society.He is not a gangster or a crook but among the people who know him he is hated by all.Today on this Christman eve,we decided to give him what he deserves.And to all you people,tonight maybe your lucky night.The prize for the survivor may be yours.We will not tell you who the person is but you have got a chance to guess who it is after the show is done.The person guessing correctly will the awarded the Survivor prize.So hold on to your seats and let the show begin"

I could feel the anticipation in the air.This was much much different from the usual.Today someone is deliberatly going to be killed.And there is the prize for guessing who it is.What an oppurtunity.A win here today will turn my life around.I prayed that it was someone i can recognise,selfish and heartless,yes but in this current world of loneliness,i think i could be heartless too.While i was wrestling with my supposedly dead moral self the show began.

A pure white room.White chair and a white table.On it sat a little fat man wearing white.His face was not shown.His entire head was covered with a metal jacket with only 3 small holes.Two for his eyes and one for his mouth.On both sides of the jacket were two burners directed at it.It was lightly lit so that they heat up the metal slowly.I gasped at the sight.It was such a terrible thing,to be slowly roasted alive.He was strapped onto the chair and i believe he was gagged as no screams could be heard.Screams that would have come from a man whose head is being slowly boiled.He was struggling against the straps and nearly broke one on his legs but then again he was either too tired to actually break it or gave up.After the struggles were over,the door to the room openend.There walked in a masked lady.The announcement came "He didnot use his hands to help people.So she is going to misuse his hands,misuse them so much that he will be lucky if he got a hand left. "

The second section began with this.The lady sat down on the table before him.She slowly took out a small penknife and flicked it open.A really small knife.She then started playing with his hands making scars on them drawing blood.Against the stark white background,the sight of blood was a little unsettling.She continued playing will suddenly she stiffend.With a shout she started to saw off his thumb.He began thrashing around with pain but to no avail.Slowly she sawed off his thumb and put it in a container she had taken out from her coat pocket.Then she started with his other fingers.This gruesome scene continued for over an hour.Finally she had sawn off all his fingers.She stood up and raised the container with 10 bloody fingers and walked away.He had stopped thrashing long back and sometime during this the burners were turned off.He was very still.I thought he was dead but then the burners came on.After a while he started moving again and started to struggle but very weakly.The announcement "Dear viewers,the show is not over yet.There is still some more left.He strayed out of his path too often,tread the dark paths where no one dares to go.For this he will have his punishment".

After this announcement 2 guys came into the room.The untied him from his chair and made him lie down on the bloody floor.Of the white room,it was difficult to find a part not splattered by his blood.The guys who came in slowly put him down and Guy 1 lifted his legs up a little bit and the Guy 2 put the chair under them elevating his legs.By then he was too weak to struggle.There was just a painful moan coming from the metal clad face.The 2 guys then went out and returned with 2 sledge hammers and stood on both sides of his legs.The countdown started "3...2..1.now".At the sound of now,the guys bought down the hammers on his knees.A sickening crack was heard and a painful wailing sound was heard from him.The guys didnot stop there.The methodically continued to swing their hammers at his legs for over 30 min.I watched in horror as his legs were reduced to something not even resembling legs but just a platter of blood,flesh and bones.The guys left him like this and went out.The announcement "Dear vieweres,don't be alarmed.This person deserves every one of these blows.Now for the grand finale.Please do not leave yet.After this you have to guess who this person is for the grand survivor prize."

Although sickened by what i saw,i still stayed for the sum offered was much much more than anything i can ever imagine and if i guess correctly i would never have to work my entire life and live like a king.So swallowing the rising bile from my stomach,i waited for the final section.The same 2 guys from part 2 came in and lifted the man up.They put him on the table with his head hanging down.Thw woman from part 1 came in and then deposited the container with all his fingers on his torso.They all then stood back and started chanting in an eerie emotionless voice. "The time is now,let him be gone."There was a grinding noise from somewhere above.Slowly a panel in ceiling slid back to reveal a metal plank studded with glass pieces directly above the table on which the man was lying.The chant grew in volume and speed and it reached a feverish pitch when suddenly the plank came down crushing him and the table.Then there was silence.The woman and the guys bowed to us and went out.The announcement "Dear viewers, now that is the end of today's show.Please wait for a few minutes.We will show the face of today's star to you all now.You can have only one guess and the person guessing correctly will be the winner of out survivor prize."

I waited,hardly daring to breathe.All sorts of thoughts were running through my head.What if i won?What will i say?What will i do first?What if i know who that is and someone else says it first?What if it is someone i am close to?Will i be able to tell it to get the prize?My whole head was spinning with these thoughts when the announcement came again. "Dear viewers, here is the face of today's star.Please type in if you know this person into the PDA device on the armrest of your seat.You got 5 minutes.Good Luck"

The face came into view,or rather what was left of the face.Being trapped in a metal jacket and being roasted with 2 burners had made the face more hideous than anything i have ever imagined.There was utter silence in the crowd at the sight of the face,there were retching sounds,gasps,cries of anguish.Many i felt could not even look at the face.It was difficult to believe that this was once been a human face.There are no words to describe how horrible it was.I looked at it again and then at once feelings on joy and sadness filled my heart.I knew who that was but i cannot say it and claim the prize.It would be an inhuman thing to do that.I asked the guy sitting to my left whether he knew who that was.He said no.I whispered to him the name of the person and asked him to claim the prize.With that i slowly got out of my seat and went out.It was midnight and a small snowfall was in progress.Although not wearing my coat,i felt no cold nor the biting cold wind.It was Christmas, the festival of joy ,the day when the saviour of man was born over 2000 years ago.Wishing the world a HAPPY CHRISTMAS and with one last look at the theatre, i went back to where i belong.

The Times.December25,2008

Yesterday night was a day of surprises for all those who gathered for the special edition of The Survivor.It was sort of a torture punishment and death for one individual whom the company claimed to be unfit to live.To make matters more interesting, the person who guesses the identity of the victim would be given the survivor special prize.At midnight yesterday this prize was won by one Mr.Robert Morrison,a postman who correctly guessed the name of the victim to be one Mr.John Wayne Robinson a former employee of the World corporation conducting the Survivor show.Mr.Robinson has been missing for a week now after he was fired from the company.The reasons for his firing is still unclear but authorities confirmed that an internal source from the company hinted that Robinson's apparent fight with the company head and his subsequent threats to company security authorities has got something to do with his being let off.The company chairman is supposed to tell the exact reasons at the press conference to be organised tomorrow.Mr.Morrison on his statement made clear that he did not know Robinson but the name was given to him by a guy sitting next to him for the show but an investigation of the booking details confirmed the fact that there was no one for that seat which Morrison was referring to.The payment of the prize to Morrison is currently on hold and will be released only after his story is verified.

And to all our readers,Wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Why and some ramblings

Why am i like this?
Why do i live like this?
Why do i care a lot about people?
Why do i hate some people a lot?
Why do i hate this life?
Why do i always get hurt by ones i care?
Why do i always hurt the ones i care?
Why do i still consider myself partly human?
Why do i take these silly risks?
Why am i not caring whether i live or not?
Why am i not worth it?
Why is life not worth living for?
Why do i think so much?
Why am i so jealous?
Why am i so not jealous?
Why do i think of killing some people?
Why do i always think of killing myself?
Why am i not killing myself?
Why do i think this world is beautiful?
Why do i think this world is unfair?
Why do i always want to time travel?
Why do i take things personally?
Why do i eat food a lot?
Why am i so fat?
Why am i so ugly?
Why am i such a freak of nature?
Why am i allowed to live?
Why do people still tell me they care?
Why do no one kill me?
Why is this world still spinning?
Why is the time not stopping?

and last but not the least, the most important question again...

WHY THE HELL AM I STILL ALIVE WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO DIE??


Of the many things that i ask myself, these are some of the major questions.People think i might be crazy, i am out of my mind or whatever but i do not care.

It is not about me anymore. I am nothing but a wandering ghost that needs a place to haunt. Only thing left is to become a ghost....literally....
There were times when i thought life is beautiful and worth living but of late that old feeling of worthlessness has crept in. Like all bad things that happens, seems like despair and depression has come back to my life with a vengeance...much much stronger than ever. I think the main inference from this recent events is that i have started back on the wonderful downward spiral from which i had escaped once.....
I do not know what awaits me tomorrow, not even know what is going to happen when i go out for the ride in another 5 minutes.Yes i am going riding, bad leg n all......its the thrills and risks that actually sustains me through the dull days i am having. Who knows one day it is all going to end at top speed. Nothing more satisfying to a rider than death on wheels.....maybe a lorry or even a car.....as long as the purpose is served i do not care.....the means are not important only the goal is.
Please pray that i find what i am searching for....let the race begin....3...2..1.GO

Sayonara

FUCK

i have no idea what am writing now or what i am supposed to write now.In these times i wonder if i am still alive or is it some astro projection of my self running around in ill fitting pants kissing ass and trying to stay in this race of life.

Life....what is it?

i was never a big fan of the wod LIFE and still am not but something has made me think a lot about it these days.....is this life which i have now worth living? if it is then for whom am i living_
Is it for me or for someone else?
point to be noted : the someone else is NOT my gf cos simply i havent got one. even if i had one i think i would like to kill her and cut her up and cook her nice and tender and EAT her.
Now where did i get that idea from?

oh yes....the perfect example of what i am now.....whatz gng on in the head of this idiotic jackass whom everyone like to laugh at. I am the joke, i am the fun.....i am nobody....wow...perfect settings for the perfect career.....i think Ted Bundy thought like this too......

hint to me : goto this link and start reading....wen ya finished then u knw wat i am now....messed up jackass....i reallly love that name...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_serial_killers_by_country

ok....i am officialy mental....wat tuk me so loong?

PS: fukked up german keyboard.....IRRITATING.....spellings al messd up coz of dat......

Something I Read....something that defines me

Theres nothing you can say
Nothing you can do
Theres nothing in between
You know the truth

Nothing left to face
Theres nothing left to lose
Nothing takes your place

When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you are well

Theres nothing left to prove
There's nothing I wonat do
Theres nothing like the pain
I feel for you

Nothing left to hide
Nothing left to feel
I am always here

When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you are well

What you want
What you lost
What you had
What is gone is over

What you got
What you love
What you need
What you have is real

It's not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough, I'm sorry

Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough
Its not enough...

When they say
Youre not that strong
Youre not that weak
It's not your fault
And when you climb up to your hill
Up to your place
I hope you are well

Its not enough
No
Its not enough
Its not enough



---this is the lyrics of Jeff Hardy's(WWE) .....

Instrument of Death

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Beautiful Life......My Style!!

It all began sometime soon after she left but then again it was always there. While she was around, it was no more than just a shadow lurking in the corner of his mind but when she finally decided to leave and let him be, the wait was over for it. Finally after all the wait and pain, it was out and that was not all. With it came something more dangerous, darker than anything I had imagined in my life.

Initially it was the emptiness that choked me. Many a time I even picked up my phone to call her. Call her and beg for her mercy. But even then I knew it was not going to happen. What I have become over the years was not something that gives into these weaker human urges and desires. So to avoid further webs of temptation, I did the only thing I could do at that time. I deleted her number from my cell…a silly move but necessary to preserve my sanity. But e-mail remained one of the biggest hurdles that needed to be crossed for me to completely get rid of her from my mind. Even a stray mail from the very few friends I got might contain her name and that was enough to drive me crazy. All this time I never thought I would miss her so much but then again like always I was wrong and she was right. One would know the hurt of missing someone only if you really miss someone you care about. I remember her telling me that I would never understand and I never did. I still cannot say I really missed her but one thing was sure. Without even talking to her, my life has become something like an empty hall. I realized who she was for me, more than just a friend or a partner. She was something more, something precious. She was that ingredient that was holding this pathetic existence of mine together. But now it was all over. Knowingly I had pushed out the one person whom I ever gave a damn about, pushed out so far that I doubt whether she would ever hear me again should I decide to go after her.

Jealousy is a very strange being. You would not be jealous at even your worse enemy but then again you would be goddamn jealous of someone real close to you. This is one question that I asked myself all the time. Is jealousy what drove her from me? Impartial though I was, I was not able to answer that. That could be a reason but then again there could be other more severe reasons. But one thing became very clear. Without her by my side, I was suffering but she seemed to enjoy every moment of it. She was colder than I thought she would be. While I was sitting in the corner thinking to myself and trying my best not to lose my sanity, she was running around shopping and watching movies and hanging out with her ‘gang’ of friends. I don’t know whether she was trying to freak me out but then again I respect her because she was doing a damn good job at that. Days went by, days turning into weeks and months and finally years. A couple of years have passed so far but still life remains the same except for the fact that we were 2 years older. But something also changed inside of me. I was no longer the smiley blimey guy around but a ghost of my former self. A rotten creature stuck up in the human shell. Then it was time for all of us to part our ways…to go out and see the wide world around. At this moment, at this last moment, I made the decision. The decision I am still debating on.

There she was walking like a princess among her ‘friends’ if I could call them that. I never really understood why she was hanging out with those bunch of freaks but then again she always liked to be with the freaks so that she could be noticed. No wonder she was with me even for a short period of time. I knew what I had to do. This was the answer to all my problems. The time has come for me to go back to my peaceful existence, to the pre-meet her period, when I was normal, when I was human. I picked the time carefully so that she would be alone then. Also I knew she wouldn’t pass an opportunity to hear me apologizing to her. I knew she would be there and was early to come as usual. But I was prepared for this emergency. I had woken up very early that day, freshened up and was all set and ready by the time I met her at the football field. Apologies were exchanged at first but then the plan started acting out. I asked her one simple question: “What do you think of me now?” Before she replied I read the answer in her eyes, her face. To her, I was nothing more than just another of the crowd of her friends. This time I was ready. She had damaged my soul once and she was not going to do it all over again. I never gave her a chance to speak. I thrust the knives right into her eyes, those gray beautiful eyes that caught me in it in their first glance. The spell was broken the moment I felt her eyes exploding and showering blood all over my hands. But this was too easy a fate for her. There were more to come. I cut out her nose and ears and thrust her into her mouth to stop her shouting. It was just so awesome. Eyeless, nose less and earless there she stood gagging on her own organs spilling blood all over her light sky blue skirt. Once I got her on her knees it was easy. I cut her open like a fat pig. I cut out all that I could from that carcass and fed it to the dogs around who were watching all this like some blockbuster movie. I felt her shivering with each cut I was making but I was not going to stop. The fun, it was too much for me to think about her. I was having too much of fun cutting her up, so much that I literally chopped her into small slices, slices that reminded me of bacon. I had her heart in my hand. It was the moment I was waiting for all my life. Her heart with me…it was still warm and trying to beat all the while squirting blood on my already bloodied arms. To get her totally out of my head, there was only one way. To get her into my stomach and let my body reject her, throw her out of my system for the one last time. The sun had risen and with it my appetite rose. I took a bite out of her heart. It was soft, mushy, sweet and tasty. The first bite was the hardest. Once I tasted what it was like, there was no stopping. With hungry gulps I ate it completely and once the meal was over, I felt peace…peace like heaven for the first time in my life for a long time.

The days that followed were nothing but figments of memory. After the meal I ran off leaving all and everything behind. I traveled lands I have never seen or heard before. I met people who liked me and hated me. All the time I was on the lookout for someone to come and take me back to the ground and finish me off as I did to her but no one came. I made discreet enquiries about her fate but no one seemed to know what happened to her. It was like a person like that never existed but I knew she did. I could still feel the taste of her heart in my mouth; it was always there like some sweet dream that one wants to see all night long every night. Maybe the dogs might have finished her off or maybe someone must have found her and is keeping this quiet so that they can find out about my whereabouts. For whatever reason that was, I was never going to go back. I got all that what I wanted. I got her out of my head but at the same time I can always have her with me, in me for all eternity. I am a normal satisfied man right now. The world is a beautiful place again and the beauty beckons me from the distance. Ah life is so beautiful!!!!

Winds of Suffering

Birds have started their singing now,
That might be the morning I think
Time to wake up and start the day
One more day added to my waning years.

Walking out of my humble abode,
Greeted by a breeze on my face
Laden with the sweet odor of flowers
Jasmine, rose and many others more.

I start my work, the usual one
And now winds starts to play around
Dancing around my unkempt hair
Teasing me with their fragrant gusts.

Oh how beautiful spring time is
Soothing the world with its gay colors
Finally the cruel winter had left
But leaving it’s lasting mark around.

I hear people laugh and sing
Getting along with their daily things
I feel their gaze upon my face
I smile in return, yes I do smile.

Its all so peaceful now, Only
Joy and the sweetness all around.
Not a trace of the winter snow
To numb the senses with its embrace.

I pray the flowers may never droop
I wish the birds to go on singing
I hope the world will remain the same
To be in the spring till the end of time.

All around me people move
Lucky ones, some black sheep too
Like me they stray through the paths
Unconnected with everything around.

I hear the birds , I smell the flowers
I smile without joy, cry without pain
All the flowers,birds and people around
Fails to free me from my icy throne.

Smelling flowers, hearing the songs
I see them all in my mind’s eye
For I am blind, ah cruel fate
I cannot enjoy the light anymore.

In my life the winter goes on
Darkness and ice encasing my mind
Always has its icy clutches on me
Oh cruel fate, the cold wind blows.

Evolution of the new Breed....

The life is nothing more than a few lines of code and mails coming in day by day with increasing frequency. Even the filter is rendered useless against this torrent of mails mostly coming from bosses around who got nothing better to do than to screw up your life in the worst possible way so that you may never ever be able to be a normal human being again,i.e if they know the meaning of being normal.
At this pace the life as we know it is coming to a premature end.The ways a man suffers.His dignity,self-respect,the very foundation of his being is questioned and shattered in this ongoing flow of life.There are many things that can happen to one in the course of one's life but this is the worst that could happen.The loss of the sense of being !!!
This is the worst possible way in which a man can selfdestruct.There are individuals all around us and like someone said in the golden old days-each one is unique.It is that which makes man a social animal.Each one around us have something which you donot have.So as a whole he strives to be complete in all respects,the journey towards perfection........a never ending journey.It is the purpose of a human life.To search for what he lacks,a search for himself.But imagine what would happen if that for which he searches for is destroyed in such a way that it can never be put together.The meaning of life is lost........the sense of living,the instinct to survive,the feelings of being human, all are destroyed.He becomes nothing more than a programmable robot,one who could be programmed by anyone according to their wishes.A being without any feeling or emotions to such extend that even "being" is such a human name for it.This is the fate that is staring everyone in the face now.The losses one incur are many but this one loss is enough to plunge his whole life into a dark pit........a pit from which escaping is nothing more than a dream.
There are examples of those who have outlasted this fate assigned to them but in all those cases there was always a helping hand given to them from the people around.Some of them themselves in the pit but having enough compassion left to help others who are suffering gain a better life.But there are ones who have not themselves gone all the way.It was not their destiny to end up in this regions.But there were forces which would have nothing of it,it was nothing more than full fledged cruelty against those poor souls by their masters in the domains.......forces beyond the control of the poor souls.The life of a developer is nothing more than a puppet in the hands of superior beings calling themselves the managers and leaders.To be thrown out or to be pushed so far underground that he had to be dead for atleast a hundred years for even the stench to penetrate into the surface above.These are nothing more than hobbies for them.But the time has now come for them to come down from their grand thrones.......to step down from their self appointed positions of glory and power.It is a new age,a new begining.The winds of change will blow over these lands,destroying everything in its path.The age-old traditions are going to die.A new race will rise.
For everything new there must be someone to start it.A totally insignificant act that would trigger the collapse of all that is old,traditional and evil.The time has come and the moment is now.He is ready to do what he thinks is right,to shoulder the burden of starting it all off.Noone knows whether he will be there till the end of all this,noone even knows when all this ends.But one thing is sure,if it begins,it will end up soon........such are the magnitude of the forces that have assembled ready for destruction.The time draws close,the moment has happened,the chain of events that would cause him to act has already been started.It only remains for him to act.........to set light the fire that will burn and consume everything even including himself.His actions will rewrite history,a heavy responsiblity for one so young and inexperienced.As the events unfold with alarming rapidity there is one question that everyone asks "IS HE READY?"
I say to them all.........."YES,He is ready,I am READY"

Atheism or the Truth ??

There is a begining and then there is an end....these are inevitable but there are certain things which are so much unpredictable and so much out of sync with the normal mode of life happening between these two eventualities.This can get one to think-if life and death are inescapable and are well defined by some other entity in advance,then why can't the events that lie in between be predicted or better,be controlled.Many many scholars and magicians have tried out their best to answer this question but all of them had the answer..the common one..its fate and we cannot change it.But the nature of man is to question and he asks the question why?Then also there is a ready answer,some unknown entity by the name of God about whom everyone has heard and everyone believes(almost) but one whom noone has ever seen.But this existence is never questioned and is said to be the cause and the secret hand behind all the unexplained phenomena happening all around this universe.But even this has got it's limitations.there are certain things happening all around which are in no way related to God,atleast as far as all the explanations and descriptions about him and his methods in all the religions combined.If there is light,there is darkness.if there is day,there is night and if there is good,there is evil.So as the God is being represented as the symbol of all the good in this world,then there should exist another entity whose nature of operations is just the opposite to that of God and man being always so thinking and so resourceful had meant to call that anti-God entity by a name Devil.Like God,Devil is also described as omnipotent and also having his own share of disciples and a wide variety of names.This just makes one wonder,if there is this much similarity between God and the Devil,then why are there different communal riots all around in the name of religion of God whereas nothing of that sort exists in case of Devil??Does this mean that even with the name Devil,he is the one,keeping aside all his list of evil activities,that really takes care of the ones that follow and worship him whatever their religion or caste be?Also there is another bigger question,with all these similarities,are God and Devil the one and the same,like one common force or being whom when it is nice is God and when it is having a bad time,it is Devil.In simple terms like this,the existence and the essence of all the religions are put into doubt.Are we worshipping God and Devil at the same time?Put simply,God is Devil when he is having a bad day.
Finally it all boils down to the same thing-it depends upon how you look at it.If one thinks he is praying to God then he is praying to God and the same goes for the case of Devil.But then comes a bigger question-if man is making decisions as to who or what to worship,then wouldn't it be nice to be someone whom all will worship?This thought has fuelled the minds of many a man and was the cause of the most bloody and disastrous events of the past....coming in second to the most favoured cause for all this- Women.
Now a little point to discuss.According to many legends,man was to live in Eden but woman forced him to eat the prohibited fruit which made God to throw them out of Eden and into the place called Earth where man began his life.Also there are references that man was to have all the virtues as like in the God but Pandora(again a woman) opened a box full of evil and negative thoughts and troubles...and not to forget one of the most famous wars in history that destroyed the advanced and developed Troy and caused many a legendary hero to fall in its wake including Hector,Priam,Achilles,Ajax etc.,all because of Helen(obviously a woman).This war also had many outward ripples like disturbances and troubles for countless other legends like Odeisseius,Ajax,Arkantos etc.This and many more makes one wonder,man is created by God but is the woman created by his alter-ego or his doppleganger the Devil while poor man was sleeping??This is a matter of thought.Now i am not saying that all women are evil and all men are good.It just depends on who made who at the time they were made.If God made a man/woman,then he/she will be good but if Devil makes one,he/she turns out to be evil.Simple and straight-forward but so so true.
Coming back to the original question--is God and Devil the same person?This is one question that urgently needs some answers because there simply cannot be more pondering over this matter if noone knows what is supposed to happen.

Journey of Life--Pathway to Hell

"Life is not a bed of roses" This age old saying is on the way out of my dictionary for the last time.If you ponder over this saying for sometime the underlying meaning becomes very clear.Roses have thorns on their stems.So life being a bed of roses also has its share of aches and pains to the unfortunate being who is sentenced to live his life in this plane of existence.Of late my life has become a really large bed of roses.....minus the petals.All that is remaining is a blanket of thorns each one drawing living blood out of my body on contact.Each step towards the answer to my life has become a torture in itself.
The bed was not always of thorns only.There were beautiful flowers..........soft to touch and fragrant which protected me from the underlying horrors filling the world with their beauty.Then also there were occasional pricks of pain but then it was wiped away without a trace........solace to be found in the depths of the warm embrace of the pleasent wind around....All good things must come to an end and this underlying truth finally touched me with its cold fingers.The spring of the life is gone...........it is nothing more than a mere memory lost beneath the torrent of emotions that swept away the last traces of humanity that i had.Holding on to the few pillars of support around i cried.......not words but cries arising from depths within me which i never knew existed.All these went unanswered and it was a long time before i realised that there was noone coming for me.The last ray of hope i had was someone waiting for me on the other side of this abyss but gradually that too was fading fast.Inside me a change was happening.The sense of being was replaced by a emptiness impossible to define, the person i was changed,changed to something even i fear in its darkest hours.I am scared even to delve into this new ME as even a glimpse into its depths had got me worried beyond imagination.The time of light has passed and a new dawn has come.............the time of the beast is on hand.This "Thing" is nothing more than i myself, but a part of me is worried..........unleashing this upon the world around...........such a terrible and terrifying thought.
But what all consequences it may have,what all trouble it may create, in a way i am not responsible for it's actions.Yes, the creature resides within me and it is using my body as the vessel for its plans,my plans.The actual culprits are those who in the first place pushed me to the darkest corner such that this whole episode of my life came to light.May God forgive those damned souls for what they have done to me.But one thing is sure,i am not going to forgive them............He inside is not going to forgive them..the time is here and the time is now..........revenge is a dish best served cold but i like it hot..........hot as in their warm blood washing over me when i rip their throats out and consume their living forces.Yes, this is the answer to my life, my salvation.A bloodbath!!!!This is what the scriptures told me, this is what i will do..............the final dance of death has begun.........the waiting is finally over...........the time has come for me to bathe in their blood......to be a part of the burning river Styx.........on a never ending journey towards HELL...............my own Hell.....

A New Begining

This was written when my blog got lost......written earlier,posted NOW

This comes as a surprise to me too that i am going on to write this new blog. It was going on pretty well with my original first blog and the story of my sorry yet interesting life was unfolding so easily and creations i have created using the reserves deep within me were drawing subtle reviews from one and many.But sadly all good things have to come to an end and so does the bad things and for me the end came in a very unexpected time and moment as it always happens like that.Even though you know that it is going to come unexpected,you always expect it and so suddenly in one moment your thoughts slips,it happens.
It was a pretty ordinary day for me when i logged into the meshed and twisted passages of this internet thing hoping to update these scribblings of mine but alas the Fate was so so cruel.I was painfully aware of a message popping up that my poor id and my poor poor writings were deleted...i mean pushed into oblivion.........poof............GONE. From that day forth i was scared to start this journey again.......but something inside me kept on pushing me to the edge.....to go over the edge and get back to this crazy world.After countless hours spend battling with these high flying emotions and fears i finally decided that it is now time that i come back into reality....back to the world where i am @ home.
And so here it begins again.Old stories forgotten,old dramas faded into memories,a new chapter is here.So from this day forth,the journey begins............to unravel what lies beneath this human yet inhuman specimen that is me,to understand the mind,the thoughts and finally last but not the least.............to answer the all important question i put to myself every moment of my 22 year old life........... "TO DIE OR NOT TO DIE,THAT IS A DAMN GOOD QUESTION"